i miss...

ow i miss you :))

You left me -- clueless.

You left me -- clueless.

these flowers:

 

-- how i wish these flowers won't wither, its color won't fade away, i wish it would last forever but see, nothing really last forever because forever doesn't have any 'last'.

whatever this is...

last night: had coffee after a couple of drinks and songs at 2 in the morning at Mc Donald's Timog avenue with someone celebrating his birthday then drive me home at almost 4 in the morning.
today: called to wake me up then exchanged stories the rest of the day, then invited me to his little party with his friends.


-- i never did this before, i never felt this for so long, i actually have no clue what's happening.


today: teneeennn.. there they go again, I thought it was over, what now? I've fallen for the same trap the second time, and it hurts.


today: his mom invited us for lunch. went to his house, after my check up, for lunch. while having lunch: (tita to me: may girlfriend ba si...? ; me: uh, di ko po alam tita; mommy to tita: wala ba sa party niya? ; tita to mommy: tinanong ko nga mga classmates niya, wala naman daw; me to them: di ba meron po? ; mommy to tita: di ba meron? ; tita to mommy: wala na yung dati, matagal na.; mommy to me: wala na ba? ; tita to me: wala na yun.; me to them: hindi ko po alam)
after that, i accidentally fell asleep at the couch-- good thing he's not there.


now: cheesyy moments, oh why, oh why.  
-- what's happening?


for the past three days: nothing really happened, everything ended.
-- for how long? if it's the end, please don't bring it back anymore.


last night: attended his father's birthday celebration which was apparently also an extension of his birthday. he asked me to perform several songs with him for the guest, i sang while he was playing the guitar -- little glimpse with each other.


now: chatting with him and again, he asked me to sing while he play the guitar.
-- what's happening? oh please, i can't explain.

last night: excited talking with him about the start of the new semester.

today: he fetch me at the LRT station then went to their home. ate and sing-a-long endlessly with few drinks and chit-chats. then he drive me home.

now: help me accept -- it's the end.

dancing lights

Luneta Park at night

-- I just enjoyed the music, the lights and the people. I promise, I'll try this again some other time.

ISANG SEMESTER NA LANG!!

Oh grades..

A cheers to my Senior life. I deserve one, I did great!

I was even shock, these are the highest I ever had in my entire college life.

All the hardships paid off. I'm so satistified, I never expected this much.

I never posted my grades because I was never too confident of it, but now, hey hey hey. LOOK!! (DUGO, PAWIS AT ORAS KO ANG PUHUNAN KO JAN!)

Sorry if I'm being too proud, but I am, really.

Finally I could say ISANG SEMESTER NA LANG!!!

I'll be missing you Tita -- I was not able to say thanks and goodbye

I really don't know how to start. Let me thank her in the best way I know.

My emotions are still strong, I feel pain, sadness, guilt and regret because of loosing someone whose so dear to me. Tita, my highschool friend's mom, who had been so nice to me ever since.

She never forgets to greet me every holidays, she never forgets to ask how's school, she even give me gifts if there's an occasion. 

More importantly, she never failed to ask how am I doing, how's my life and if there's anything wrong. She had always been there for me.

I was so lucky, to think I'm not her own child, but hey, she made me feel I was hers that I was not just an ordinary classmate of his son whose calling her Tita, but I'm actually like a real niece or daughter to her.

I just found out that Tita was sick because my classmate told my mom. I started to be worried since I knew that she had been diagnose of breast cancer.

I'm too coward to handle this kind of things, I don't know how to hide the fear I'm feeling. I'm too scared just by knowing someone's sick. I hated the feeling that I know someone's sick, how much more knowing she's really dear to me.

After graduation, I find it hard to catch up with my highschool classmates. Good thing birthdays do come, I celebrated my 18th and invited her son. She even managed to greet me, she never failed to greet me every holidays.

I asked his son if how was she, he said to me that Tita's doing fine. Tita also said to me that she's recovering.

I hold on to that hope that in time, she'll be fine like before. 

I promised to visit her one of these days, but I never did. I was too busy at school and find no time to visit her.

I'm so guilty about it. I wanted to see her, have a little chit-chat with her, see if she's doing okay and bring her pastillas.

But I never did.

----

I was clueless until I read his son's tweet. I immediately felt nervous, scared that I almost want to cry after reading his tweet. I send him a message right away and the shocking reality hit me.

She passed away last oct 11.

I wanted to cry, I couldn't believe what I just knew.

All along, I hold on to that hope that she's doing well, that one of these days I will really visit her.

But I can never do those things now, I can never.

I was too late, Papa God called her child back to his arms and I was not able to say thanks and goodbye to her.

----

Dear Tita,

Sorry po, hindi na po kayo na-bisita. Sorry po, sobrang dami po kasing ginagawa sa school.

Sorry po ni-hindi ko man lang po kayo nakita. :'(

Thank you po sa lahat ng holiday greetings ninyo sa akin. Sa lahat po ng pangangamusta.

I want you to know how much you mean to me. You're like a mother to me.

You always cared for me like I was really yours. I thank you for that big trust you have given to me as kuya ron's friend.

I will never ever forget you Tita.

You don't know how much pain I am feeling now, I didn't even know you're gone.

I was not able to see you for the last time, to say thanks and say goodbye.

Hehe. Siguro nga po masyado po akogn madrama ngayon, pero alam ko naman pong gets ninyo ako.

Don't worry Tita, lagi ko pong kakamustahin si kuya ron.

I know you're in a better place now Tita. Just keep watching on us, on me.

You'll always be in my prayers.

Again, thank you and I love you so much.

Will be missing you so much, Bianca

20-teen

A Birthday entry...

I practically had the busy-iest semester in my college life.

Overloaded school works, lessons and whatevers.

I didn't have anytime to think about myself or anything beyond school.

Just school, it's demands and the consequences it may give.

Like two birthdays ago, I wasn't able to plan anything for my birthday, for myself either.

Semestral breaks gives me both excitement at work overload.

Since my birthday falls often falls within the "hell-week" whatever, I can't help but to neglect that special day for me. My day actually.

Good thing it didn't quite happen this time.

I was really excited for this day, I mean it.

I slept early, actually, I lay down early but didn't slept early.

Suddenly I woke up at around 1a.m. to switch off the airconditioning unit because its freezing cold.

Then I checked my phone, wondering who greeted me first :))

The first greeting made me smile but the second one made my heart smile-- big time.

Maybe "nagkataon" lang that he greeted me at that time of day, but hey, it's my day, let me feel that he really made an effort to greet me first.

After I checked my phone, I closed my eyes and talked to HIM.

I thank him for giving me the past 19 years full of Blessings and Pains.

I ran out of words to tell HIM how grateful I am for receiving his graces.

Of course, I told HIM my wishes. (oops, it's secret, it's between HIM and me only)

Celebrated my day at SM Megamall.

Hey, hey, hey, it's really my day! Good thing I look perfectly beautiful today (oh geez, c'mon it's my birthday, don't say anything please? just agree. haha)

Here's my childish treat for myself...

A THREE-PIECE-CHOCOLATE-CUPCAKE WITH CUTE BLUE CANDLES

You know my wish?

I bet you know...

cheers to a new year to me! buh-bye to teen-age and welcome to non-teen-age.

para kaming switch, minsan on-- maladas off

para kaming switch, minsan on-- maladas off. :|

dahil pause muna sa school works, pwede bang problemahin ko naman ang lovelife ko.

hindi ko alam, bago pa naman mag start ang semester eh magulo na ang lahat.

walang kami, meron lang siya at ako.

malinaw naman yun, pero minsan magulo.

malinaw kapag wala na talaga akong communication sa kanya.

    -- buti na lang busy ako, wala akong time maginternet at wala akong panahong magload at magtext.

malabo kapag bigla bigla siyang nagpaparamdam sa akin.

    -- kung kailan busy ako, stressed, depressed at kailangan ng lalambing, bigla bigla siyang magpaparamdam, kakamustahin ako at makikipagkwentuhan.

ba't ganon? pwede bang wag naman magulo?

parang ang stressful na nga ng buhay ko sa school, baka pwedeng wag naman pati lovelife ko, haha.

ewan ko kung ba't ganon. alam ko namang hindi niya sadyang maguluhan ako, pero unconsciously naguguluhan ako sa kanya.

yung tipong hindi ko na siya naiisip, tapos bigla siyang magtetext at kakamustahin ako.

yung tipong wala na akong alam sa kanya tapos bigla akong magkakaroon ng alam sa kanya.

yung tipong ayokong isiping para sa akin yun, pero ako talaga eh.

in three days, i'm turning twenty na.

i'm officially a teen-no-more.

but you see, i realized, i haven't experienced that one thing, to be in a relationship.

dati, wala lang talaga sa akin. I mean, hindi talaga siya big deal.

pero nakakapressure ang mga tao sa paligid ko, yung feeling na gustong gusto na rin nilang maexperience ko yun.

feeling ko tuloy, gusto ko na rin talaga, or baka gusto ko na talaga.

ang tanong, ready na ako, pero wala pa naman. :))

well maybe, ako ang tutuloy sa legacy ng mga lola at tita ko, haha. 

well maybe, it's not yet my time, who knows when will be the right time.

'ikaw na lang naman ang hinihintay ko, ikaw na lang.

pre-twen-teen celebration :)

A pre-birthday celebration with badings at Shakey's Espana.

After the stressing first semester, finally we had the chance to treat ourselves.

BIRTHDAY GIRLS :))