lost and found, and lost again.

It's already been a long time since I wrote about anything. The past months, weeks, days, have been bittersweet for me.
I must say, I cannot remember where should I start writing about.

Do you ever feel the feeling of being lost?
I do, I am.

The biggest decisions I made after college were resigning from my long term job and risking everything to reach my dream.

I have heard people ask, say, and even conclude what made me decide to leave my job, (of course, 5 working days, fixed working hours, good office space/materials, accessible place, some good people, and somewhat good paying job for a fresh grad with no experience).

I have been working for that Institution for almost 2 years. It became my training ground, right after graduation they became the newest people outside of school. I struggled, it was not hard to adjust to these people, rather it was hard to prove myself, that I am worthy of my position and that I am not just the niece of the Senior Vice President.

It challenged me until I reached the point that I already build myself. I proved it to everyone, I really mean to everyone. I became good in what I do, I developed my skills and share it to others. I learned things I never thought I could do, I met well-known people and ordinary persons with amazing stories.

I lived by this routine for so long, I never had the chance to go out of the box and think. Think if I am okay with okay, if I deserve something better and if I can do something else.

You know the feeling of being lost?
I did, I was.

I got the chance to get off from work for 2 weeks.
I did enjoyed my time in Singapore, far from the walls of my work, no contact from my superiors, media contacts, or any other friends.
For the first time, I was away from my comfort zone, I was away from the life I had after school. This was the first time I had the chance to explore, to see the world outside of the box, the first time I saw other opportunities, the first time I saw and heard stories from different people from different careers.

Then I told myself, there's more to life than my routine (do coverage-write stories-pass stories-publish stories-do coverage-write stories-pass stories-publish stories). I wanted to explore life's endless possibilities, I want to know what can I do and for the first time, I want to do what I really dreamed of.

Do you know the feeling of being lost, then suddenly you found all the answers?
I did, I found it.

I left my comfort zone, despite everything I heard from everyone, including my parents. I just told myself, these people already had enough in controlling my life, it's about time I own what's mine.

After a month, I went to Singapore and tried to look for a job. It was challenging but I was too determined. Yes, some people never got tired of giving me unsolicited opinions, but I really didn't cared at all.
There were so may chances, but maybe chances doesn't mean any of it is for you. And yes, unfortunately, after almost 2 months of trying, I was able to find a job but not a working pass. (It's too complicated to explain).

Do you know the feeling of being lost in the middle of your journey?
I did, I was, I was nowhere.

But I told myself, I cannot afford that when the time comes I look back my life and I'll find this chapter having regrets, that I should have done and risks things to achieve what I want.

Again, after a month, I go back, and too surreal, I was able to work in a restaurant. People who knows me well will know how I want to work in a restaurant despite graduating from a different degree.

Do you know the feeling of being lost, then finding yourself exactly at the place, at the moment, you've been wanting and dreaming of?
I did, I am.

I have worked for more than 2 months in this restaurant. Everyday, I woke up tired from last night's very late off from work, but it was alright. I was doing things I dreamed of, I was actually excelling in this field.

I was using my skills, I was taking care of answering reservations, entertaining guests, leading my co-service staff, communicating between our guests, kitchen staff, service staff and even to my superiors.

It was the point of my life that I saw the beauty in cleaning tables and arranging plates, cutlery, glasses and menus. I loved dealing with hard-headed guests and some co-workers.
I began loving late night sleeps then late wake ups, doing my own laundry and cooking during off days, wearing my black shirt, pair of light khaki jeans, and my pair of Toms, and valuing my 1hr massage and mani-pedi moments.

I have proven myself worthy of all the sacrifices and risks I have taken. I knew I will be good at this thing, and I really am. People loved what I do and how I do my job, they loved me as the person I am and I loved every sweat I have because of walking back and forth, understanding the demands of the guests, my boss' and yes, even my boyfriend's demands.

I was at the point of feeling that I am actually having everything I want and need. I was enjoying the career I am dreaming of. I am with the person I want to be. I just never thought it would be this hard to feel lost again since I needed to go back because they still couldn't give me a working pass.

Do you know that feeling when you're having everything then you realize you're lost? Again?
The feeling that you don't know where are you going? 
That even the only person you want to understand you doesn't feel like he cares? 
That somewhere along the journey, you unconsciously left parts of yourself, until you realize you're already different.

Sometimes I think I'm already not normal, that maybe I was just over thinking things, or  maybe wanting this dream that really wasn't for me, or even putting pressure in the relationship I am right now. But I can't help it, specially in times where you wanted to express, but I'm ending up still misunderstood.

I ask myself, is this a part of growing up?
That you always have to be lost to be found, then be lost again and be found again? To feel that at one point of your life you know exactly what you want then suddenly at another point you're completely lost? That you still can't figure out on when and where to start? Or kept on asking what's next? That you're thinking if you two is still working this relationship out because you still love each other or just pressured by what others expect?

Think, think, think, think...
How I wish together with being lost, there's always being found.