REALITY

Complicate-- ted? tion? not at all?

It's when people ask you things that you don't know how to answer.

It's when you answer but it's not what you want to say.

It's when they notice something and started asking but you have no choice not to answer simply because you don't really know what to say.

It's when you want to feel something but the moment you started feeling it, you can't help but feel confused.

It's when you feel flattered and confused at the same time.

It's when someone appreciates little things about you but you hesitate to acknowledge it.

It's when you've always wanted someone to care for you but when that someone does you can't help but feel afraid of what that caring means.

It's when you want to but you can't.

It's when you keep on telling everyone you're friends but afraid that the two of you might not be just friends.

--
It's when the truth, the complicated stand, that breaks my heart.

define rest, please

here it goes.

this week was a blast for me.

planner's cluttered with lots of deadlines, schedules, to do's, notes and whatever.

Sunday:

finish layout for Fil Journ tabloid and do a sports article.

Monday:

8am- call time for Broad Journ shoot.

-- in between, shoot instructional videos under the heat of the sun and humid environment

past 1pm- resume shoot

3pm- attend Fil Journ class

-- after soaking myself under the heat of the sun, entered the ice cold room for a film

6pm- UST Health Service for thesis adviser's consultation

6:30pm- accompanied thesis adviser to Dapitan

--

home- finish sports journ aticle

Tuesday:

HIKA MODE = ABSENT :'(

10am- email my running game notes and my sports article to bading

-- the rest of the day, stuck inside my room :(

-- in between, surf the net all day, finally had someone to talk to -- less boring day.

past 5pm- chat with broad journ groupmates

Wednesday:

went to school early-- feeling a bit okay.

evaluate professors

-- apparently, no classes

-- in between, panic-ing because of finding a VIP ticket for an event I promised to watch to support.

After lunch- shoot at Pax office for the OBB and at the TARC garden for the CBB- then cut videos

4pm: had a wellness check up at the Quadri Square

5pm: finalized everything then bought food at Dapitan

5:30pm- arrived at the Medicine Auditorium too early for the event HAHA.

6:40pm- finally entered the Medicine Auditorium

-- the rest: watched a blast of Filipino Music :D

Thursday:

12midnight- walking inside UST with no lights

-- Dapitan gate is closed, no choice but to walk ALONE WITH LAPPIE INSIDE MY BAG AND ASTHMA ATTACK ON THE SIDE from Lacson gate to Dapitan

past 12- stayed outside the dorm HAHA

past 10am- woke up and say, hello asthma again.

-- but started the day right.

before 3pm- went at Pax office for the liquidation report copy from Cates

3pm- entered the boring class.

-- good thing i had someone to talk to that moment

past 5pm- accomplished the liquidation report and passed it at the Dean's office

-- until 7pm; panic-ing because of our broad journ instructional video

FRIDAY:

--submitted citations for Nationals paper

please define rest and social life for me.

MMK episode (August 13)

MMK episode (August 13)

Here it goes--

The story reminded me of a past relationship.

And I emphasized, so much.

Remembered that "matured love" I had 3 years ago.

That one love I thought was for real, but at the end, slapped myself with the reality that nothing last forever.

I was like her (the female character), I cam from past courtships that ended up ways apart.

Worse, he love me more than I thought he love me.

"I was more afraid to got hurt than I was afraid of loosing him,"

When, finally, I got the courage and maturity and was about to take the biggest risk-- too bad, I was late, too late.

I was actually planning on how will I finally gave that 'yes' to him.

The very first 'yes' that I will actually give to someone after many courtships I had in the past.

I was late, he had someone else. There's another who had him besides having me.

The next day, I cried.

I cried not because he had someone else, I cried because I never thought I'd love him the way I did.

Worst, I didn't understand why he had another if he loves me. I didn't get the logic of why he had to hurt me and yet love me at the same time.

I didn't understand why I wanted to believe him when he told me that "ikaw talga ang mahal ko,"

Years passed, lots of memories stored, met a few-- that should heal the scar, that should replaced the painful memory.

Why the hell there's these moments that keeps on reminding me of that certain memory I wanted to let go.

Why I let myself be haunted by the same ghost of my past. Why does it hurt as the same amount it hurt before.

He knew my weakness-- "killer smile"

Okay here it goes.

He was our guest professor for editing (broadcast journ class).

I was not attracted to him during the first meeting.

I was seated in front of his table, practically we were seated face to face-- he's in front of me and I was in front of him.

He actually made a good impression, he arrived earlier than the usual start of class for that subject.

My blockmates having troubles, he asked me then to relay my software to them.

"Kunin ninyo na lang yung software sa kanya (pointing towards me), ano pala name mo? (he asked me with that dashing killer smile),"

I answered with no kilig factor "Bianca po,"

"Kay Bianca," he added.

I really didn't notice that he was apparently got the looks. I was really not attracted with guys having that white complexion and big bodies.

After that meeting, I realized (with the help of the murmurs of my blockmates about him) that hey, he's really cute, No, good-looking with a killer smile with those eyes also smiling.

And that's my weakness, that killer smile with those eyes. And yes, I was attracted BUT from shoulder and up only (haha. I'm just into big bodies that much)

I don't know what happen, I just found myself "deeply" attracted to him or maybe just a bit.

Just a bit attracted not until that second meeting with him.

We had consultation with him after the short discussion, my group was the last one to consult with him.

Here's the bigger picture:

He was sitting on my left side and i was standing on the other side of the table with my groupmates and other blockmates scattered around us.

I was showing him our trial edited news cast then I asked him to teach me how to place some effects and graphics.

I asked some questions, suggestions and comments.

I was really closely listening, paying attention, watching every single command he does.

Then I say, "Thank you sir," then he left.

The little detail no one saw except me and him:

I was pointing something at the screen of my lappie while he was holding the mouse near my side.

As I move my hand away from the screen he accidentally extended his other hand to point that same thing on the screen.

What happen in that split second? 

He accidentally hold my hand (my brittle tiny hand).

The spur of the moment made me loose my focus on what he was saying and I just told him, "Ay sorry sir," then he told me, "Oops sorry,"

I was in cloud 9, the feeling actually.

I could not help but to be "KILIG-TO-THE-BONES" after that accidental thing happened.

I was happy, I was happy enough that I didn't tell anyone what had happen. I kept it to myself for a while. Enjoyed that precious memory that I know will never happen again. :)

I started talking about him to my mentor and to my closest friends who share the same sentiments I also have about him.

I followed him on twitter, talking to my friends about him (kilig stuffs teenage girls normally does. haha) not thinking that our professor sees our every tweet and probably, he also sees.

and a while ago, got the courage to add him as a friend in facebook.

My heart screamed when he accepted my friend request.

And yeah, I started "little stalking", haha, viewed some of his photos and read some of his status and tweets. It's a part of being "deeply" attracted to someone. 

Back to reality, HE'S TAKEN by this beautiful girl and maybe I won't be able to see him anymore. And his too good-looking to notice me. :)

Meaning, hanggang dito lang tong kabaliwan ko, haha.

It can't go any further than being attracted, I can't go further than having a crush on him.

And I'm Okay with it. :))

That smile will always linger in my memory and I owe him for giving it to me <3