It has been a part of me for the last 10 years -- I couldn't help but cry

Finally, I was able to find time to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.

I'm weird.

I felt nervous, uneasy, excited, happy and sad.

Can you believe it? After 10 years, it all end here.

I actually grew up with them. I was and will be a Harry Potter fan <3

Throughout the film, I was really observing closely, I want my eyes to see every detail of it.

It's the last, next year, the year after, the years after, there will be no Harry Potter on cinemas.

I can't believe it.

It has been a part of my life. As the story unfold yearly, I was too maturing together with the characters and the story itself.

At some points, I found myself laughing, smiling and crying.

And when the end finally came, I can't help myself but cry. I was crying because of joy but at the same time, I cried knowing that the movie that became a part of me for the past 10 years had ended.

Ended for good.

It's when the same reason keeps on haunting me

Alam mo kung gaano kahirap makita ang araw araw na update ng isang tao.

sobrang torture lang.

Lahat ng paraan kasi ginagawa mo para di mo na siya maisip eh.

yung bang gusto mo nga wala ka na lang malaman at all about sa kanya eh, para clueless ka na lang talaga, para wala ka na lang talagang alam.

ang weird no?

kahit i-hide ko siya sa news feed, i-unfollow sa twitter at i-unfollow ang blog niya.

ako naman tong si luka, sinisilip pa rin profile niya.

minsan parang mas okay na lang sa akin na wala na kaming maging connection at all. 

no messages, no updates, no hi and hellos.

I think in that way, mas magiging madali ang lahat.

Eh kung maka-arte naman ako para kaming galing sa relationship tapos nagbreak na.

eh di ko nga alam kung bakit ganon yung feeling eh.

I know it's improper, its seems to be like i'm a hopeless case.

kala ko pagka nkwento ko na sa iba, gagaan na yung feeling.

but the mere fact I remember everything so right, it keeps on holding me tight and never letting me go to move on and continue my life the way it was before.

I just pray, sana mawala na lang ang connection sa aming dalawa. 

If I'll delete his number, promise I don't memorize numbers.

If I'll delete him as a friend and block him as followers, I would never find anyway to undo what I did.

Everytime I'm onto letting go, a part, a small part of me says 'no'. A part of me says, maybe there's hope. A part of me keeps on insisting work it out. 

My mind keeps on dictating its enough, but my emotions keeps on whispering hold on a bit.

"Sometimes holding on doesn't make you strong. Sometimes it's letting go."

"Hold-Hand"

Bumili ako sa barbequehan sa kanto.

Sa paghihintay ko, meron akong napansin.

Bakit ba kailangang magkahawak ang kamay kapag naglalakad?

Simula pa dati, di ko na maintindihan kung bakit palagi kong nakikita ang mga kamay na magkakahawak.

Hindi kaya sila nahihirapan?

Parang sagabal kasi yun.

Nung bata pa ako, iniisip ko na kaya hinahawakan ng mga magulang ang kamay ng mga anak nila ay para di sila mawala sa mall o para di madapa sa paglakad o pagtakabo.

Nung elementary na ko, iniisip ko kaya hinahawakan ng mga teacher ang kamay ng estudyante nila aya para tulungan sa pagsusulat o pagsagot o para di mawala sa pila.

Nung highschool na ko, sakin din merong humawak ng kamay.

Hawak tuwing naglalakad;

hawak kapag bababa o aakyat ng hagdan o sasakyan;

hawak sa pagtawid;

hawak sa pagsayaw;

hawak kahit naguusap lang;

hawak sa ilalim ng mesa o likuran.

Nung mga unang taon ko sa college, meron din akong mga naging kahawak.

Magkahawak sa matagal na paglalakad;

magkahawak sa dahan dahan o pagtakbong pagtawid;

magkahawak sa pagsakay sa jeep, lrt, bus o fx;

magkahawak sa pagakyat at pagbaba ng matataas na foot bridge;

magkahawak sa pagsayaw at pagkanta;

magkahawak sa panonood ng sine;

magkahawak habang magkatabi;

magkahawak hanggang sa kailangan ng bitawan.

Pero ngayon, palagi kong nakikita ang iba na magkahawak sa school;

magkahawak sa mall;

magkahawak sa daan;

magkahawak sa bahay;

magkahawak sa simbahan;

magkahawak sa  pag buo ng magaganda at masasakit na alaala.

'Di lang hawak, magkahawak.

Pero di ko pa rin maintindihan kung ano ang meron sa paghawak ng kamay.

Siguro, kakaiba talaga ang pakiramdam na bigay ng init ng ibang palad sa ating palad.

"Sense of security siguro,"

Sa lahat ng paggawa, ang ating mga kamay ang lagi nating gamit.

Unti-unti kong naisip, kaya siguro kapag merong humahawak ng ating kamay, pakiramdam natin na ang taong ito ay palaging nasa tabi natin na tutulong at magpapalakas ng loob.

Siguro sa paghawak din ng kamay, nararamdaman nating kung gaano tayo pinahahalagahan ng taong humahawak nito.

Pagpapahalagang hindi tayo iiwan, hahayaang masaktan o makuha ng iba.

photo from googleimages

Pero kasunod ng paghawak ay ang katotohanang kailangan ding bitawan.

Maaaring bitawan ng sandali pero kadalasan binibitawan at di na muling hahawakan.

Dumidilim na pala, naluto na rin ang isaw at barbeque ko. 


 

"Passion" Crisis

at this point of my life, I never thought that I would feel a "passion" crisis.

I can do things, I can cook, can sing, can dance a little, can write, can take good photos, can style others, can give good advices, can perform.

Sad to say, I haven't been excelling on any of this.

I just do good, I don't do best. Sometimes, I do things best but most of the times, it was just me who thought its already the best.

I always loved performing. It's part of me that some people doesn't believe at.

I'm happy getting tired on rehearsing and performing. 

There was never a point that I wanted to leave performing and instead explore other things that I want to do.

But performing gives a different satisfaction for me. When you see the lights, hear the audience's applause, the directors' instructions and the busy back stage.

It's a feeling that you got the chance to show the other side of your self.

The side where no one else believe you have but these people do.

It's really a weird feeling, a while ago, for the first time in my life, I didn't feel the drive, I didn't hunger for performing.

I don't know what happened to me, I don't understand what happened to me.

I'm confused now, to think, I should not be confused with matters.

I know in me that I love doing this.

(and sobrang gulo din ng blog ko)

Someone made me realized.

"Upuan"

here it goes.

the story sprang just because of photojourn demands.

"Upuan"

Nangyari lahat sa upuang ito.

Umupo ako, naghihintay.

Dumating ako, naghihintay.

Nagkatabi, naghihintay. Halos magka-dikit na ang kamay namin.

Pero umalis na siya habang ako naghihintay pa rin.

Naiwang nakaupo, naghihintay, naghihintay pa rin.

I just realize, people, despite of how valuable time is, there are still people, willing to endure the pain of waiting. 
Waiting for something that might come, might not come, or might never come.

I guess, it's just human nature, it's natural to wait no matter how long or how fast the waiting would be, there are still 'few' whose waiting for something or nothing.