It's nice to reminisce but going back because of regret was never my option.
----o
I've never been "in a relationship". (it's the truth.)
My friends, ever since, they have been wondering why I am not.
At first, when I was a bit younger, it was never an issue for me for the circle of friends I am with had the same situation as mine.
You know, we just play games, play on ourselves and study, study and study.
It's a typical: home-school-home.
But when I started to be more matured (not matured-looking), you know.
My interest in watching movies, reading romantic novels and whatever teenager stuffs began.
I began to realize that 'sometimes' there's the need for my status to be changed. (you know, peer pressure at one point but hello, I'm just turning teen-hood at this point. what the hell am I talking about.)
When I actually stepped at the age of teen-hood.
I felt 'insecure'.
I don't feel attractive at all simply because I was not a 'perfect girl' material.
I was small (at about 4" flat and never grew tall beyond 5"), I had a dark complexion (although I'm flawless naman, no scars at all), not too intelligent (I do belong to the cream class ever since but I haven't been at the top) and not beautiful, I mean not the typical beauty (I got short hair, big eyes and pouty-ish lips) .
I'm just 'nice' and guys must admit, attitude is noticed next to face value. (or maybe it's just my generalization)
When I was at my adolescent period.
I think I never changed, physically, unlike other girls at my age.
They grew tall, their features developed into a lady-like look.
They behavior changed, they act like real-grown-ups.
It was not an issue for me all the time, but then it became an issue when my (since I was in grade 03) 'puppy-crush' (and until now, he's still my crush. darn. what's with him.) for this classmate of mine 'grew-deep'.
However, I didn't do anything to impress him or catch his attention, I never tried to do things for him. I was not too attached with him. I was not that typical teenager that kept little things that made me 'kilig' overnight. I didn't cry myself to sleep just because I was too frustrated thinking what should I do for him to actually notice me.
(and yeah, these are all lies. I did the total opposite. For once, I became a pathetic teen.)
I really don't care how I look nor how people see me at school.
I've always been tagged as the "prim and proper" one. I wanted to make my parents hear nothing negative about me.
So I think, guys tend to feel intimidated with me or maybe I'm just unattractive.
Apparently, I was not unattractive at all, I got few suitors (naks. yeah, there were few who got blinded and courted me)
Attracted not because of my looks nor my brains (I'm not that intelligent at all) but my personality, which is I am proud of.
Close friends of mine courted me but none of them end up being with me.
This has been a problem with me since then, I was so old fashion.
I wanted long-term courting which, I think, has always been the reason why I end up being single.
It's either they surrendered from courting me or find another who's more attractive.
I met my karma when I was between being teen and being an adult when I was about to enter college.
(then suddenly, I will narrate my 1st-serious-whatever-you-call-it-thing)
It began during the summer vacation, a summer fling as I can consider it.
I was depressed that summer after loosing my Inang.
If you call it timing, I guess he arrived at the perfect timing. He arrived unexpectedly.
I had no idea that we'd be more than just friends. I thought after summer he would just disappear, like what I always experience. But I proved myself wrong, it continued for three months since the classes began.
He always make an effort to meet me every Friday afternoon and accompany me going home from dorm.
I remembered the first week I had stayed in dorm. He was more excited that me. He always checks me if I'm okay or if I already have peers to accompany me.
Of course, we were just first year then, we have no idea what college life would be.
I have no idea that whats between us will persist, to think, it's really an effort to go from Pasay (where he study) to my boarding house near UST.
One funny story behind the first time he went to the boarding house.
I was not expecting that he would actually go there.
Funny thing is, he walked from LRT Tayuman station to my dorm. It was afternoon then, the sun was freaking hot and the way from Tayuman station to my dorm was not close.
"Effort kung effort" yeah. yeah. I felt like I had a 'Rapunzel-hair' that moment when he reaches the boarding house, knock at the main door and when I opened it I saw this tall guy wiping the sweat all over his face down to his neck that made his school uniform a bit wet.
To sum up, I felt that this is it. I wasn't a mere fling-thingyy, finally, I was ready to change my status. I was really ready, I've never been this ready.
And being ready led me to my very first matured heartbreak. (of course I had the immature heartbreak)
Enough of this, it just brings sad memories. It took me almost a year to forget and accept what happened between us. I was like, what?? this can't be happening, I was ready, everything's ready, all I just have to do is reply to his 'i-love-you-s' with the magic word.
Well maybe, blessing in disguise, I just told my self we were not meant to be. I don't deserve him, he doesn't deserve to be my 'first'.
I surpassed my promise to my self that I won't be having a boyfriend before I reach 18. And yes, I celebrated my 18th without a boyfriend. But who cares, I'm the celebrant.
But here's the catch, something happened in between the days. I'm not a big-time flirt that's why I don't have any idea why guys suddenly flirt me. (i termed it flirt because everyone else called it a flirt) We were friends and I don't know to him why suddenly we became close.
I grew matured, I know the difference between friends and special friends and friends-that-are-up-to-something. Good thing nothing beyond flirt-thing happened.
Yeah, I stayed single and happy, but sometimes lonely, for another year.
-- I was an ugly duckling then finally, I had the courage to CUT MY HAIR, then became the swan.
Until this year's summer arrived.
(I got to say this first before the kilig stuffs get into)
Can you actually believe it? My killer smile actually captured the attention of one of the policemen of where I am getting police stories. (i really have witnesses about this) At first, I actually notice this police officer because he's the most neat of them all and that ended there. Suddenly, this police officer told a lie to my friend about my pen I left at the police station, he used this to get my mobile number which is ALARMING. He always call me, I don't want to answer but at the same time I don't want to be rude. He even depended the decision of an outing with my other blockmates (also assigned at the station) to me which was suspicious.
The feeling was SCARY. He was like a stalker, no, an old guy who haunts a good girl.
I was really scared to the point that I don't want to go to the police station without my mentor and my co-trainees. I did all the excuses just not to be assigned there.
Thank God, after a while, he didn't bother me.
(back to the kilig stuffs)
I started my ojt, my summer, with a negative thinking because hey! I'm supposed to soak myself under the heat of the sun in the beach.
Good thing, a very huggable-savior-inside-the-court-room-for-the-first-day-of-my-ojt approached me. Actually, I was interested with him because we both love to travel, and that's a plus factor for guys because most of the time they don't like to travel to places.
But I was turned-off at once, after we ate lunch, he says excuse to me then went out to smoke. That's a BIG NO-NO-NO to me. (You were blessed with a healthy and well-functioning lungs and I was not given a pair of healthy lungs, You should appreciate that.) Major ekkk. I really don't like people who smoke (sorry but I'm really vocal about it).
By the time he went back and sit with me, I didn't talked to him, although he doesn't have that smoker-smell, I just suddenly don't feel like talking to him.
He was still talking to me while he was changing the lens of his camera (another plus factor for me, a guy who takes good photos is a so-so-so factor for me) and I was trying to be busy doing my article.
When it's about to go, he walked few meters away from the table then reached my school I.D. and copied my name for the reason which I don't know until he sent a friend request in facebook and still I accepted this request despite the fact that he smokes and that bothers me. He asked my mobile number and I also give it to him. (halatang I was really into him, a bit.) He almost send me text messages at 5p.m. when all the press work is finished. I don't know to him, I really tried hard not to mind nor give meaning to whatever what was happening between him and I. It persisted for the whole time I've been ojt-ing.
He throw this 'pick-up-line' that melted my brittle-longing-heart. "You should come with me next time :)" and "Let's travel together!".
I just love traveling and for sure I'd love traveling more when I could finally say "One hand on my camera and another holding yours." (yeah. that simple kilig chever. I'm into that. The bad effect of romantic movies) Days passed, and nothing happened. Nothing worth-chever happened.
"There was never US, it was just YOU alone."
Oh di ba, akala ko sa mga teleserye at sa movies ko lang maririnig ang linyang yan. I didn't prepare myself for this line. And for the record, I was hurt, terribly hurt. I was not able to get mad at him, I never been mad at anyone, I was just hurt.
I didn't talked to him after that, I never texted him, I never posted on his wall, I never send him personal message on fb chat. In short, I distance myself to him.
I never remember that I did anything for him to think that I was actually demanding LOVE from him, I never did that. But on what he said to me, I felt so PATHETIC that I am actually ASKING FOR LOVE. (I really felt that and I know he knew it). It's not only me that felt bad about what happened, he too apparently felt bad about it.
He told me that hurting me was the least thing he could actually do. But I wanted to ask him, why you did?
He apparently did an effort for us to be okay, to save the friendship we have (again, he threw me movie-lines that sometimes make me want to forget what happened)
I tried but I think it was too hard. Until now, we really find it hard to begin conversations. A simple hi and hello became the hardest words to say. I find it awkward being friends to him again, I can't just deny the fact that I'm actually hurt.
(No one knows the story behind us, oopss behind him and me, I prefer not to tell anyone because I don't really know what to say)
(and while I was writing this, “Learn to understand others. Minsan di mo namamalayan, habang nasasaktan ka. mas nasasaktan siya." -a tweet from PapaJack)
At the beginning of the semester, few days before, here's another guy.
He's a son of mommy's high school friends (na until now close pa rin niya) who suddenly started texting me like we were close. There was a group of mga children din ng batchmates ni mommy ang close and I was not close to them, just to some.
I just actually texted him because I was delivering pastillas which her mom ordered.
Then suddenly, this guy apparently updates me in whatever he does, when he wakes and sleeps, eats, plays basketball or go somewhere. Even the very detail that he and his long time girlfriend suddenly broke up. And why the hell he told me that? Am I supposed to care?
Then what am I now? A third party? (I don't want to feel that way but I felt that way, and the feeling was so confusing). It was complicated, pinopormahan mo ko pero siya pa rin ang laman ng albums mo? what the? Pwedeng wag akong idamay?
Good thing, now, everything went back to it's normal phase. They're good together that's why we got back to the old way we used to be.
And yes, I'm turning adulthood. A teen-no-more.
Actually, I am feeling the pressure now. My mentor made me feel this much pressure of being single at my age.
There's an "inflation rate", he says.
Actually, he wanted me to be in a relationship, whenever we go out for coverage or just eat out, he really pushes me to approach guys who are apparently noticing me from a distant. (Oh c'mon, I can't be that desperate to do that, like to take my mentor's advice on putting my name and mobile number on a piece of post it or a tissue paper)
He pushes me not for the sake of just having a relationship (or to have sex) but I know, he wants me to be happy. He wants a special someone to whom I can share stories of my life. And I really appreciate it.
I could never forget what he told me "Ay nako Bianca, dapat bago ka grumaduate magka-boyfriend ka na. Mas mahirap maghanap ng boyfriend kapag nagtratrabaho ka na."
My mom often tell other people who asks her if I have a boyfriend, "Feeling ko nga ang panget-panget ng anak ko eh, pinamimigay ko na nga wala pa ring kumukuha,"
It's a joke, but it pressures me.
They've never been that strict to me (onto having suitors courting me at home or taking me to dates) and I guess, the problem is me. All this time, its me.
And I was like, yeah, the pressure is on!!
believe it or not, I don't want this pressure to stay long.
I don't want to have a boyfriend just to satisfy the much-awaited-part-of-my-life thingyy of the people who loves me.
I wanted to believe that when its the right time, he'll come, if its not, maybe I have to wait a little longer. (but damn, I have been waiting since... whatever.)
Then, I'm back to normal. (as of now.)
I've never been "in a relationship", I became it's complicated then I still end up "now" being single. (it's the truth.)
----o
